Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Someone to Love

I went out to the lake today. I needed some time alone…in nature. I didn’t quite get that, there we actually dozens of people scattered on the causeway but I tried to separate myself and listened to a little music as I took some pictures of the still lake and the mountains behind it. I thought about a lot of things but my mind wandered across the cosmos. As I prepared to depart I came to rest on a familiar theme, I love far too much.

Throughout the last few years I have let my heart go to a select group of individuals. They have been heroes and have, for the most part allowed and accepted me as the person I am without the expectations of what I should be. I think Lee was the first of these friends. I truly felt welcome in his home and life. It was a very hard adjustment. I was just leaving a very delicate and painful situation with my parents at home. Next came Ryan, he was great. He gave me freedom and encouragement to act in the face of adversity. Jared was a true friend. He was able to share his love and devotion. After that, I felt kind of lonely for some time. Finally I found Charlie.

Charles was the most unusual of friends. He wanted to be with me. He wanted to share his life with me, his trials and successes. He showed me power inside of myself that I didn’t know I had and he saved me from a terrible destruction. We clicked. We served each other and we loved each other deeply. We made time for each other and cared about the things that were important to each other. When summer came Charlie was having a heck of a time securing an internship and I was blessed to find a place where both of us could live together and work together. It was the most amazing friendship which led to the most amazing summer of my life. However by the time November rolled around Charlie had had enough. It was shocking and I was crushed. He screened all my calls and ignored all my texts and emails. Finally, just a few weeks ago, he sent me a short email telling me he was no longer angry with me. It was just as shocking. I had been devastated as I had been unable to share the success of finding a job with the men’s lacrosse team and the pain of discovering I was losing a parent. I told him sometime later that I couldn’t just be acquaintances. I needed a friend, but he had to act. Two days later he called me and invited me to a dinner. When the dinner got cancelled he asked if I would run errands with him. I didn’t drop everything to go right then, though I wanted to and easily would have, but I stood up for my plans and I told him I’d be available later in the evening. We ended up going to Wal-Mart and we had a fairly normal conversation, but nothing too deep. At the end of the night he gave me a side hug in the car and I didn’t get out like I used too…again, though I desperately wanted too. However just as he left I mumbled, “I love you” to which he surprisingly replied, “Yeah! You too.”

Back to the lake today. I love too much and too easily. I don’t go in half-way. I would give anything for my friends. Even after all the pain I have felt by some of the ‘break-ups’ I would never hesitate helping one of these friends in need. But love causes a great deal of pain. Pain I would much rather go without. Is it true that “It is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all”…? I think it is. I’ve thought about trying to control my ability to love, but it happens to be one of the attributes I like most about myself. I don’t want to give that up. I want to be accepted, but I want to love. I want to sacrifice. I want to serve. I want to give my all as Christ has given his all for us. I don’t understand why people are resistant to love at times. If I felt that kind of love, (which I believe I have from all of the heroes I’ve mentioned) I don’t think I’d ever try to give that up or walk away. But for now, I’m going to continue to love and likely this will lead to more pain over the course of things, but I can’t and I won’t leave this part of me behind in my pursuit of happiness and connection. I will keep looking for somebody to love.


*Names have been changed to protect the innocent


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