Go Big or Go Home

I have often used the motto “Go Big or Go Home” in my adventures and I think that there is a lot to be said by following this creed. However, tonight I was thinking about it in a recent bout with my mother. I walked in to the kitchen and my dad was cooking and I asked what was happening, he said, “Ask Mom!” I found out a pan of brownies was in the works. Now I love brownies. Probably a little bit too much. But I wasn’t too worried. Oh how little things change.

When my mom first found out that she had terminal brain cancer, during our initial conversation she told me that she was turning over a new leaf…she was going to eat fruits and vegetables, she was going to eat healthy and cut out of her life the sweets and sugar that has dominated her diet for close to 50 years. Initially my impression was, well, you’re dying, so why stop now, you might as well enjoy the last of your time here on Earth. I think she was trying to regain her life in an impossible way. So tonight, when the brownies came out, my dad didn’t just cut the brownies and served them, but took the whole pan and delivered it to the waiting lap of my mother. I asked her if she was eating it all and she protested inviting me to come and have some too. First she tried to cut the pan into three long sections before I stopped her and made her divide the pieces into smaller bites. She served my dad and me two squares as well as herself. As my dad went to take the pan away, she quickly grabbed a third piece, this making her serving close to 1/4 of the pan. I have always had a problem with the way my mom overeats, once yelling at her in a gas station to stop her from buying 5+ candy bars after having already consumed a dozen or so earlier that day. As I tried to take the third piece, all she said was “let me have my brownies.” I went and took the 3rd anyway and she almost burst into tears. This quite frankly infuriated me and I grabbed for the second square which sent her into a scramble with mostly demolished the brownie. After that she squealed and squawked before completely ignoring me. I took the whole pan and my brownies into my room feeling it was the only way to protect them and her. I returned and she gave me the silent treatment for close to 5 minutes as I just stood there looking at her.

It has truly gotten to the point where all she does is go big. Over the last several weeks we have had as many as 60+ people working on our basement to clean out the BIG mess she has accumulated over the last 30 years! Her excuses include, well I haven’t gained any additional weight since my last surgery…I haven’t gotten any more things since the basement filled up…it isn’t all my fault…I’ve been eating lots of oranges, like I said I would…etc., etc., etc. It’s making me sick and I couldn’t eat or enjoy any of the brownies myself at that point. I know this probably sounds ridiculous and like both of us are over-reacting and maybe we are, but it just gets to be too much. I am having a hard time being the parent over here, but that’s all I can do.

If my mom continues to go  big, she won’t have a chance of letting the cancer kill her, it will be something much more gruesome, much more quickly and she’ll be headed home to that great home in the sky.